(The Weekend Trash Report is a look at what happened over the weekend and grading it on a spectrum of trashness. Send your submissions to what made your weekend trashy to knox@knoxandjamie dot com.)
+ Not Trash: The War Over The Poop Emoji
The fact that Unicode, the company behind the emoji language, is FEUDING over the nature of the poop emoji is legitimately hilarious. This read is for anyone who has been assaulted been with apathy while taking part in an overly intense and emotional corporate meeting over something exceeding idiotic.
The following quote is an ACTUAL excerpt from a contentious memo deeply debating the poop emoji and its essence (Grabs your face so that you listen closely) I repeat, this is a real professional human to human communication:
“I’m concerned that this character will open the floodgates for an open-ended set of PILE OF POO emoji with emotions, such as CRYING PILE OF POO, PILE OF POO WITH LOOK OF TRIUMPH, PILE OF POO SCREAMING IN FEAR, etc. Is there really any need to add a range of emotions to PILE OF POO? I personally think that changing PILE OF POO to a de facto SMILING PILE OF POO was wrong, but adding F|FROWNING PILE OF POO as a counterpart is even worse. If this is accepted then there will be no neutral, expressionless PILE OF POO, so at least a PILE OF POO WITH NO FACE would be required to be encoded to restore some balance.”
HASHTAG RESTORE THE POO BALANCE!
One time, I was a part of a three hour conference call about a mini-movie we were producing and whether to name a Hispanic character in it something inherently Hispanic like Carlos (emoji cringeface) OR something Americanized like Hank (DOUBLE emoji cringeface). You would have thought this was the first Constitutional Congress, but with a dash of the Lincoln / Douglas debates with how passionately this was being argued about.
“Naming him Carlos roots him in his heritage, which is important!”
“But he doesn’t have any dialogue! The name is purely for the purpose of the script!”
“Which is why it’s even MORE important! The audience should FEEEEEEEEEEEEL his Carlos-ness!”
(POST SCRIPT: The character was cut from the story in post. RIP CARLOS-NESS)
FINAL GRADE: Corporate Trash!
+ Definitely Trash: Billy from Stranger Things Season 2.
Guys. You know he’s not even a villain, right? He’s a thinly sketched, marginally interesting early concept of a villain, MAYBE.
Sure, he does keg stands like a champ, balls out like Russell Westbrook and is super casual about offering fully nude, mid-shower gameplay tips, BUT he has nothing to do in this season.
A good villain always finds something to do. Honestly, a good villain’s to-do list is massively complicated and lengthy. Think about it: have you ever heard a villain talk about how bored they are? Of course not! There’s so much EVIL on their bullet journal lists that they are continuously busy with ancillary evil activities.
The only case you could make for Billy being evil is that he’s some kind of a prehistoric EVIL uber driver with as much as he angrily drives Max around.
The most interesting thing about Billy is that his dad super sucks and has probably infused all the anger in Billy inadvertently making him a budding psychopath. I would even argue that this makes him marginally sympathetic.
RETRACTION! I just remembered the most interesting thing about Billy. It’s not that he just wants to smoke cigs, listen to hair metal and do all of this simultaneously while watching himself in the mirror.
NO! It’s that he definitely eye-sexed Nancy’s mom so hard that he almost got her pregnant with Season 3’s central plotline. Nancy’s mom! You’ve definitely got it going on, but he’s 17, for crying out loud! This is Hawkins, IN not Cougartown, IN!
Granted, Billy is a weathered 17 and double granted, your husband is a big gallon sack of white fuddy duddy boredom, but shouldn’t you be more concerned with, I dunno, the location of all of your childrens since they are never actually home?
Real talk: we’re all the real losers unless S3 of Stranger Things focuses on Billy and Nancy’s mom forbidden romance. FACT.
FINAL GRADE: White Trash!
Sports Trash: Ohio State at Iowa
Ohio State, thanks for dropping a giant dooky-sandwich in the bed now so that we all don’t have to spend our New Years Eve watching Clemson hang a 60 burger on you guys. Much thoughtful. So courtesy.
Surrender Cobra Status? YES!
(photo credit: Akrum Wadley/Instragram)
FINAL GRADE: BIG 10 TRASH!