Weekend Trash Report 11.13.17

(The Weekend Trash Report is a look at what happened over the weekend and grading it on a spectrum of trashness. Send your submissions to what made your weekend trashy to rkmccoy at gmail dot com.)

+ Not Trash!: Jeopardy! Quarter Quell!

I definitely missed the memo on this sweet awkward goodness. Man oh man, what do I have to pay per month to get behind the scenes of Jeopardy! and awkward contestant interactions? Is it 14.99 a month? 19.99? I’LL PAY IT.

Also, we are in DIRE need of more trash-talking gameshow contestants. How have we mastered reality TV casting but gameshows are still giving us milquetoast white people with tepid anecodotes? I know Austin Rogers just had a pretty sassy run on Jeopardy recently, but give me attitude over intellect. Trebek needs someone to YES AND with.

But anyways, to the main point, I’m all in on a Hunger Gamesing of Jeopardy! contestants. Let’s add some SIZZLE though. Why not make them rap battle for Final Jeopardy? INNOVATE GUYS CMON!

FINAL GRADE: Gameshow Trash!

+ Definitely Trash: Roy Moore!

This guy! What a week, right? Don’t let that gun fool you. He can’t be compensating for that much because he’s definitely got some big brassy ones to claim that his (alleged) foray into statutory rape was just your common run-of-the-mill spiritual warfare.

And this doesn’t even need to factor in the high grade lunacy that is comparing Roy Moore’s situation to Mary and Joseph. GUUUUYYYYYYSSSS, anytime you want to loop in the circumstances around the birth of our lord and savior JC himself and apply them to you or your friend’s situation, maybe do not do that? Maybe drug test yourself or do anything else (except for trying to date a 14-year old) instead?

Not because it’s just a bad idea, but because the metaphor unravels quickly. Take it from me, someone who is often in the company of unraveling metaphors.

Because in this metaphor, is Roy Moore Jesus? Or is he the father of new Jesus? I dunno, man. I just think that if God is going to handpick someone to sire his Son into humanity, Roy Moore is probably in the top percentile of people not getting chosen.

I could see God choosing the following over Roy Moore:

  • Al Borland from Home Improvement
  • Martin Crane fromĀ Frasier
  • Mr. Wonderful from Shark Tank
  • The Golden Retriever from the Bush’s Baked Beans commercials.
  • Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street.

All of these options are infinitely preferable at fathering the returning Messiah than Roy Moore.

FINAL GRADE: Senate Trash!

+ Sports Trash!: Georgia vs. Auburn

I blame myself. I was finally drinking the Kool-Aid. I was finally telling myself that a team that throws the ball 4 times a game and is led by a guy with the haircut of a 1st grade child could be a final four team.

I left for a dinner date and everything was fine. I snuck away mid-meal to the bar and saw the scoreboard carnage. From what I can gather from the highlights, Georgia’s offense was operating like this

SURRENDER COBRA STATUS? ACHIEVED!

FINAL GRADE: PEACH PIT TRASH!

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