Who Won The Movie:
Chris Hemsworth. I know right? BEFUDDLED GIF!
Who knew Hemsworth was more than a pretty face. This movie was like a reverse She’s All That. We all knew he was handsome, but turns out, he can also talk. Sometimes even with nuance. MORE BEFUDDLED GIF!
Prior to this movie, Hemsworth looked like he had the range of an unplugged fax machine but then he went and just completely blew this movie apart with his charm and comedic timing.
HOT TAKE! Chris Hemsworth took his lunch money back from Chris Pratt, who had briefly stolen it.
ILLOGICAL THEORY! Anna Faris to Chris Pratt is Samson to his luscious locks of hair.
The question now is what do we do with Hemsworth? I gotta be honest, if Taika Waititi and Chris Hemsworth just made Thor movies every year until the sun explodes, I’m GREAT with that. But let’s assume these two have to split up, what’s the dream scenario for both?
Taika Waititi: Give this man a run at The Rock. If anyone can make the Rock a compelling comedic force, it’s him. And if they fail, The Rock goes to Azkaban. There’s no real need for imprisonment but it gives the arrangement urgency and I want to live in a world where people COULD be sent to Azkaban.
Chris Hemsworth: It can’t be a serious dramatic role. That can come later in his career, but the serious, dramatic stuff neuters his inherent charm and affability.
Chris Hemsworth needs a string of roles where he leverages his comedic timing and charm with his action movie physical aesthetic. Think Mel Gibson with the Lethal Weapons. Perfect vehicle for Mel Gibson to be funny, heroic and admirable. But without the eventual racism. Chris! If you are reading this, do not do the racisms and Anti-Semitisms!
Hemsworth needs to get to the point where he’s a serious contender for parts like Ryan Gosling’s role in The Nice Guys.
OR he needs to take a page from Channing Tatum’s playbook and take on a run of roles that emphasize his personality over his fitness. He’s committed a bit of self-sabotage by allowing himself to be marketed as a collection of finely tuned muscles, but like Tatum, that’s a well you can always go back to whenever you like (See Magic Mike).
A far more sustainable and scaleable approach is to get people invested in your personality and identifiability.
UNFORTUNATE CONSEQUENCE! That probably means he’s going to need to do a Nicholas Sparks movie with Anna Kendrick.
Who Lost The Movie?
Mark Ruffalo. Yooooooo, Ruffalicious? Is it bad that this movie dragged whenever Not Hulk You showed up? YES.
Is it bad that you seemed drugged, but like, not in a good way drugged? ALSO YES.
Did this definitively put you at the bottom of the Avenger character hierarchy? Actually NO! That’s still Renner.
My nine year old STILL calls Hawk Eye “HawkGuy” and I don’t even feel compelled to correct him because why would Hawk Eye reasonably come up in conversation?
Most Overrated Element?
The cameos. I mean they were FINE. But I was still getting settled into the movie. You can’t just hit a guy with an unexpected cameo when he’s still getting his popcorn and drink situated into the cup holder. Act three cameos ONLY!
When cameo-ing, you gotta go Matt Damon in Interstellar or Billy Murray in Zombieland.
A cameo in the first 10 minutes of a movie is like the old “Knock Knock / Interrupting Cow” joke. It’s funny, but you’re doing it more for you than for the other person.
Should I see this movie in the theater or rent/streaming?
Theater! Communal theater laughing is the BEST. This will still be great as a rental or streaming selection, but this is like a classic Summer blockbuster movie that you just want to see in the theater.
If this movie was a meal, what would it be?
Outback’s Cheese Fries Appetizer.
Corporate, filling, delicious and worth every caloric investment.
Could Shia LaBeouf Have Been In This Movie?
Emphatic yes! He would have been a perfect Cate Blanchett minion. That goes for this movie and also for real life imo.
What would Tim Tebow say about this movie?
“This is a movie that is definitely a movie and it plays on a theater screen telling all of us, decisively, ‘I am a movie hear me roaring like a lion.’ A lion is an animal that I enjoy because Lion King was a great, great movie and also, lions figure prominently in the Bible, of which, I’m a big, big fan. For those reasons and more, I think this movie performed very greatly.”
Wheezy Laughs: 6.5 of 7 Wheezy Laughs
Final Grade: 95-100