(The Weekend Trash Report is a look at what happened over the weekend and grading it on a spectrum of trashness. Send your submissions to what made your weekend trashy to rkmccoy at gmail dot com.)
+ Not Trash!: This new trailer for A Wrinkle In Time
I spent the whole trailer quietly muttering, “Please don’t suck. Please don’t suck.” This was a staple of my childhood and if the movie adaptation turns out to be trash, I…I…I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust again.
FINAL GRADE: Respectable Trailer Trash!
+ Definitely Trash: Having to scale back your eating in advance of Thanksgiving dietary shenanigans.
Oh man, this weekend and the next three days will require WILLPOWER SUPREME because to fully indulge in Thanksgiving like I want to, I have to feel like I’ve calorically earned it. All this weekend, I wanted to eat some of / all of the following:
- CHINESE FOOD!
- JAPANESE FOOD!
- ONE OF THOSE CARTOONISHLY LONG HOAGIES!
- A BLT MINUS THE “L” AND “T” BUT DOUBLE THE “B”!
- A COOKIE CAKE!
But I ate NONE of those things. Why? Because I want to eat blissfully at Thanksgiving. I want to drink deeply from the fount of Macaroni and Cheese and give myself, pure and holy, to the Food Trinity of Thanksgiving: The Father Turkey, The Son Ham and The Holy Bread Spirit.
I will run the miles and lift the weights so I can do so full-heartedly.
PRO-TIP! If you doubt you can hold up under this pressure, do what I do and watch this speech from Miracle to inspire yourself. Just replace the hockey stuff with Thanksgiving EATS and you will find yourself RESOLUTE.
FINAL GRADE: Empty Trash!
+ Sports Trash!: NBC’s Thanksgiving Promo
Did you see this last night during SNF?
NOW, I *THINK* I understand where they were coming from. HOWEVER, this was a bad idea for multiple reasons:
1. Their very bad acting.
2. No drumstick integrity! That drumstick had CLEARLY been tampered with. A good drumstick puts up a fight when ripping it off. You have to contend with cartilage and taut turkey skin. It makes you feel like you’ve earned something. That one though? It just fell right off. HASHTAG DRUMSTICKGATE.
3. The fact that Lawrence Taylor almost snapped Joe Theismann’s leg off his body and definitely ruined his life is played for THANKSGIVING LOLS.
4. Lawrence Taylor is a sex offender. I dunno, maybe in the current cultural climate, it’s a good idea to not glorify the guy who had sex with a 16 year old prostitute? Even a Roger Goodell and Tom Brady collab would have been less fraught and tense than this duo.
SURRENDER COBRA STATUS? NO!
FINAL GRADE: COMPOUND FRACTURE TRASH!